More love letters from you, dear readers

Dear Editor,

I just read your little report where you are criticizing Cong. Madison Cawthorn. You have got a lot of nerve. I will take a patriot like Madison Cawthorn who is a true patriot over someone like you who only knows how to criticize our country. What have you done?

Jealous much because Madison is a good-looking congressman who is fighting for us? Looking at your picture, I can see where you would be jealous.

L.N.


Dear L.N.,

My criticism of Cawthorn was valid. I mean, would a true patriot try to foment a violent overthrow of the government if an election doesn’t go the way he wants?

He didn’t say it outright, but he did insinuate. All I said was, in essence, before you sin, you better wait.

And for the record, I’ve been called good-looking, too, although my Mom was probably a bit biased.



Dear Editor,

Leave Madison Cawthorn alone. He is a better American than you are. What is your problem with white men elected officials? You write complaining about Cawthorn and Gov. DeSantis of Florida. They were elected by the people where they live, so obviously somebody obviously likes what they are doing. I trust a governor to know how to handle the virus over some “dude” in a funny hat who calls himself a writer.

You have never been elected to anything and probably never will be. The only thing you are going to run is your mouth. In other words: dry up.

C.P.


Dear C.P.,

You might be right. For the record, though, I have run for office before. As previously mentioned, I ran for Rockingham City Council one year but fell ahem… a few votes short. Okay, thousands of votes short, but who’s counting?




Dear Editor,

Your doctor obviously doesn’t know $h#t from shinola! (Watermelons and fried chicken) are staples for the ones of us born and raised Down South. I had the same problem with my doctor and had to point out that the $300,000 he spent on a medical degree was not equivalent to my Google skills.

Exercise more, take the cholesterol medication (if you have problems let me know and I’ll tell you how I got mine down to 129 from 246) and eat what you Damn well please. We’ve only got so many more trips around the sun on this rock and we might as well enjoy them.


R.G.


Dear R.G.,

Amen and halleluyer. I, too, consulted Dr. Google to see if it was okay for me to eat the forbidden foods, and after long consultation, I found a quack - I mean doctor – who said human beings can eat anything we want as long as we chase it with some cabbage juice drunk while hopping on one foot.

Another internet expert, Dr. Agamemnon T. McLeod, said that you can’t gain wait from anything you eat while driving at least 60mph in your car. If it's on the internet, it must be true, right?



Dear Editor,

No more fried chicken and watermelon? Welcome to the world of dieting. Sucks, doesn’t it?

J.S.


Dear J.S.,

Yes. Yes, it does.


Dear Editor,

I’m gonna have to check your doctor’s medical license, or perhaps just find out where he grew up, because watermelon has more good nutritional things than bad!

Dr. K.



Dear Editor,

I ordered your books two weeks ago but have not received them.

S


Dear S,

Please pardon the delay, but this is a classic good news/bad news situation: An unprecedented surge in demand for the books has resulted in a slower-than-usual delivery time.

Your books will be arriving shortly, even if I have to deliver them myself. Also, to everyone requesting books online: If you want them signed – surprisingly, some people don’t – please tell us to whom you’d like them signed.



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