Please, Mr. President, we're counting on you to stop these assaults.

This is a 100 percent true Christmas story:

Several Decembers ago, I staggered out of Macy's at the Streets of Southpoint Mall in Durham, and with a loud, dispirited sigh plopped down onto a bench.

A man on another bench heard and asked if I was tired from shopping too much.

No, I told him, I was fleeing that insufferable song on the store's sound system that was assailing shoppers inside Macy's - Please Come Home For Christmas by The Eagles.

That's what sent him out there, too, he admitted.

Now, the Eagles are one of my favorite high school-era bands - as long as they stay in their lane. Life in the Fast Lane or One of These Nights?