The forbidden fruit - and fried chicken (UPDATE)

Several years ago, after spending an embarrassingly long time pushing a grocery cart up and down the aisles of my neighborhood Harris-Teeter, I finally ended up in the checkout line.

Gazing into the buggy, I laughed out loud, because after nearly an hour of hunting and gathering, surrounded by every kind of vittle imaginable, I’d ended up with just two items - a bucket of fried chicken from the deli and a watermelon.

I wasn’t laughing last week, though, when my doctor – alarmed by my so-called pandemic weight gain (Yeah, let’s blame the pandemic) – started listing things I could no longer eat.

The first two things he named were – I swear – fried chicken and watermelon. (To be fair, I'm not sure if I asked if I could still eat the latter or not.)

The first thing one does upon hearing something so jarring is ask "Are you a real doctor?"

The second thing you do is look around the office to see if there are hidden camera