To our dear readers: It was recently brought to our attention that some subscribers to The Saunders Report have not received recent stories that were posted.
It was brought to our attention because hundreds of you sent us warm, tender messages saying things like "Hey, you @#$%&, I didn’t get my Saunders Report this week.”
For that, we apologize. The reasons for the interruptions are too arcane to go into – something about computer interface and outerface and stuff that surpasses our understanding and pay grade – but suffice it to say: changes and reassignments are being made among our newsroom staff, pictured here:
It's also true that some of our staff - again, pictured here - have second jobs: those chitlins at Pork & Mindy's Pig Emporium aren't going to clean themselves.
Their primary obligation, though, is to you, the readers, and until our delivery system is flawless, appropriate disciplinary action will be implemented. Among other things, until further notice, members of the I.T. department will no longer be allowed to borrow the company-owned Sanford & Son boxed set, all hot sauce has been removed from the company kitchen and the XM radio in the office will be switched from Soul Town to the smooth jazz channel – where every third song is by Kenny G.
Cruel and unusual punishment, you say?
Indeed it is, and it will continue until morale and performance improves. So pardon us if, over the next few days and weeks, you find yourself receiving back issues of The Saunders Report.
And remember, we're always in the market for story ideas, because if it bothers you - chances are it bothers us, too.