Sorry, Michael. You are no longer the worst "Bolton" in the world.
No, music lovers have not pardoned the croakin' crooner for desecrating When A Man Loves A Woman in 1991. He still deserves the opprobrium of the masses and the finger - uh, on the radio dial button whenever his version of that song comes on.
What's more enjoyable than listening to Michael Bolton mutilate Percy Sledge's classic?
● Tongue-kissing a llama that's been eating Oreo cookies
● Watching every movie Whoopi Goldberg and Jim Belushi ever made
● Eating chicken Vienna sausages
(That last one has been outlawed by the Geneva Convention as cruel and inhumane punishment.)
There is, though, another Bolton who has usurped Michael's crown as the most despised person with that surname.
Yes, John Bolton.
Bolton, who served 10 months as President Trump's National Security Advisor, refused to testify at the Senate impeachment hearings last winter. Since writing a tell-all book about his time in the White House, though, we can't get him to shut up.
Not only does he paint a devastating picture of Trump's White House, but he lays out a horrifying tale of incompetence by a president Bolton called "dangerous for the country."
If Bolton truly believes that, why didn't he sound the alarm back in February, when it ostensibly could have done some good, when Senate Republicans might've been roused from their partisan stupor and saved democracy?
(I'm kidding: we know they'd have never bucked Trump regardless of what evidence Bolton laid out.)
The president at times in interviews disconcertingly called John Bolton "Michael Bolton," which caused some evil person to come up with this accompanying image of the two bad Boltons combined.
Did Bolton refuse to rat out the president because he is a loyal conservative who wanted to protect him?
No, although you could almost respect someone who felt that strongly, regardless of how misguided his loyalty.
Integrity, alas, is not what motivated the milk-mustached paper patriot to remain mum.
No, that would be cash, ladies and gentlemen, what The O'jays in For The Love Of Money called "that mean green."
My favorite Southern writer, Truman Capote, once said in an interview that he was physically incapable of writing if there were not a paycheck involved.
Bolton appears incapable of speaking unless there is a chance that his words will goose book sales. He is on TV hawking his book more than that "My Pillow" guy, warning us of what a grave threat Trump poses to the Republic.
Well, goshdarnit John, wasn't he a grave threat in February when you were invited to testify?
Oh, that's right: the ink on the book contract wasn't dry yet.
Bolton is a renowned chickenhawk, or what The Kingfish would have called a "war mongrel." The only surprise about his book is that it wasn't titled Make War, Not Love. Anyone who has followed his career knows that is his overriding goal - that and making moolah.
The man never met a war he didn't want to involve the U.S. in, yet he never met one in which he was willing to suit up. In a previous book, he talked about how during the Vietnam War he had no desire to see his blood spilled in Southeast Asia, so he went to law school to avoid the military draft.
When chickenhawks such as Bolton quote Thomas Jefferson's famous line - "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" - they obviously mean the blood of other patriots.
You could say - and please, forgive me for this - that when it came time to fight, Bolton bolted.
That is why he is now the WBIW - the worst Bolton in the world. Here is the latest hit by that one-man duo John Michael Bolton. Maestro, hit it:
When a man has a book deal
Can't keep his mind on nothing else.
He'll close his mouth
for the good deal he's signed.
He'll give up on his country
throw it in front of a train
If Simon or Schuster says that's how
it ought to be.
Yes, when a man has a book deal
He can speak no wrong
at least not until
he knows the check has cleared.